April 29, 2025 It's been a year and over 3 months since Ruth died on Jan. 14, 2024. On looking back I certainly am in a better place than I was before. I am less overwhelmed with sadness, emptiness, grief, regrets, self recriminations, loneliness etc. Hallelujah! But of course this grief journey is still not fun.
My most recent insight is that "death" is closely associated in my mind at a very deep level with ultimate failure, punishment. Often that's how "death" is portrayed in the Bible in contrast to "life". (Dt 30:19; Ps 56:13; Prov 2:18; 10:16; 11:19; 13:14; 14:27; Jer 21:8; Jn 5:24; Rom 5:17; 6:23; 8:2,6,10; 1Jn 5:16;) I didn't recognise that a lot of my basic, unsaid, underlying feelings about Ruth's death are tied up with this.
So, as a result, "death" is even shameful, embarrassing.
So, even if I have come to terms with Ruth's dying in many other ways, the underlying premise is that I, and maybe Ruth and maybe God too have ultimately failed. Or God is punishing us. This helps me better understand the cross. That first Easter, when Jesus died must have seemed incomprehensible. I am still struggling to accept Ruth's death as a daughter of God.
So the Easter event, which turned "failure" inside out; lifting the ultimate failure into victory, is what I want to do with Ruth's death fairly and squarely, solidly, in my thinking. Can I say Ruth's death with my head lifted high, confident? No. I can't do that yet. Can I admit Ruth died, not in an apologetic way or with a sense that people will look down on me as a failure or as being punished, but rather neutrally like I'm merely stating morally neutral facts? No. But perhaps one day....? Or can I even proclaim or trumpet Ruth's death as an act of Divine mercy, a blessing? Is that a hope that is too unrealistic?
May 5, 2025 You know how the effervescent bubbles just appear in your carbonated drink? It was so like that, only the "bubble" was huge. It just appeared. This big love for Ruth. I was out on my walk. Suddenly there it was. I wanted to love her, encourage her, tell her she's my beautiful, hold her, let her know what a treasure she is, assure her everything's alright. It was all so positive. I had so much I wanted to give her. And there was no Ruth, no one I could give it all to. It wasn't sad. Well, .....ok, it WAS sad. But not sad in the inside-wrenching, painful, wounded way it sometimes is. Rather it was just hanging there, this bubble with no place to go.
May 18, 2025 I must be recovering. I still long for Ruth. I want my friend here. I miss her. And it's still more than just a mental ideation. It is visceral. It is emotional. It is gripping. But this longing for Ruth isn't the all encompassing, debilitating, disabling, inescapable, thing it used to be. I can think about this longing. I still have that power of thought. Hallelujah!
June 15, 2025 It seemed like a new experience. For the first time in a long time (in years) my anger and pain levels were down enough so that I felt God loving me. Hallelujah!
June 25, 2025. Maybe one of the big lessons that grief and this whole depression/mental health trial is teaching me(I'm still learning it) is hard to express but it's something about the range of will power. (Is that the right term?) I never suspected that there was a range. I always assumed that everyone was like me. I thought my experience of the world equaled everyone else's in this matter of "will". This is simply not true. I thought we, all humans had a will with which we could decide, choose, determine what we'd do. (more or less). But through these new experiences, I've experienced first hand that sometimes our will is overwhelmed or just seems to be absent! Whereas before I would have shrugged and just advised others to notice the choices they have and choose wisely, now I see that there are times when we humans actually can't notice the choices we have. That whole arena where options are set before us, may be obliterated; may be a no-show. Through no fault of the person, they simply experience things that they have no control over. Because the very option to choose (to choose anything!) has disappeared, I don't like the term: "will power". That term insinuates that it is something we are strong in or weak in. What I'm learning is that in some mental situations, there simply isn't that stage. The step where a person can choose has vanished. The person is just presented with a fait accompli. The choice has been made for them. The closest situation I can think of is when someone is helping you do something on your computer. Sometimes they will be working through the same process on their gadget. The help is most helpful when your helper's gadget displays exactly the same windows and options as your own. But sometimes there is a discrepancy. Your helper's screen shows an option that is not shown on your screen. He thinks you are both looking at the same thing, but you're not. He tells you to click on the drop down menu in your upper left corner but you don't even have that menu! You don't have the option. I increasingly believe that some people who are suffering from depression or anxiety are like that. They have no window that presents them with options or gives them more information about their depression or anxiety. All they have is the window that is depression and/or anxiety and there is no "X" to exit that window in any corners of that window.
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